Wednesday, March 18, 2009

New Element Discovered

Big news from the Large Hadron Collider at CERN. Physicists have now discovered the heaviest element known to science. Its existence, which was anticipated after the hurricanes, gasoline price increases, and Iraq Wars, has now been proven.

The new element has been named Governmentium.

Governmentium (Gv) has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called mo-rons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called pe-ons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take over four days to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of four years. It does not decay however, but undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact,Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, as each reorganization will cause more mo-rons to become neutrons, forming iso-dopes.

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium -- an element which radiates just as much energy as Governmentium because,though it has only half as many pe-ons, it has twice as many mo-rons.

In separate news, fears still abound about a black hole being created by the LHC.  In order to quell fears CERN physicts have set up a new web site for the general public.  If you're concerned you no longer exist and consulting a philosopher fails to convince you, just hit this link:

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